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Summary: Danny is brooding. His fears are eating at him. Post-Tanglewood. {Complete}

Categories: CSI: NY - General
Characters: Danny Messer
Genres: Character Study, Drabble, Episode Related
Warnings: None
Chapters: 1 [Table of Contents]
Series: None

Word count: 1081; Completed: Yes
Updated: 08 Jun 2005; Published: 08 Jun 2005

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He was thinking too much. That's why he couldn't sleep. Thinking of what had happened that day. Event's from the past that he had thought he had forgotten. They were now playing with his mind. He had lied to his boss. The biggest mistake he has made so far. Well, having his family sweep things from his record might have been the biggest mistake. Ok, they were tied for first place at the moment.

He decided his ceiling was boring now. He closed his eyes again and saw the look on Mac's face. His eyes opened immediately. He never wanted to see that face. His looked over at his alarm clock. It was midnight and he still couldn't go to sleep. He had to be up in five hours and face Mac and Stella.

Stella would be the easiest to deal with. Mac was going to throttle him. Stella was scary when she yelled at him in Greek. But nothing scared him more than Mac Taylor saying "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let you go Danny." That put fear in his heart.

He should have come clean when Mac asked about Tanglewood. He knew he couldn't not until things settled down. Then this came up. Oh the irony. He sat up and groped around for his glasses on the night stand. Putting them on, he turned on the small lamp sitting on the table and began digging through the drawer of the nightstand for a book.

Cursing at the lack of books, he sat up and got out of bed, went through the door and into his small living room. He liked to read, even though some people couldn't tell, he enjoyed his down time, between trying to catch up on sleep, going out with Aiden and Flack, staying late for reports and not killing the irritating members of his family, he indulged in good literature. But that was his secret and he wouldn't tell anyone about that.

Or maybe he should watch some TV. There should be nothing on and he'd be asleep in 5 minutes for sure. His brain drifted to the kitchen. Coffee sounded good at the moment...

He shook his head. Nope, he should sleep. But, he had a feeling he wouldn't be sleeping so he let his caffeine-addicted part of his brain took over and he made his pot of coffee.

Sitting at his table he sighed when he realized that one cup had become two and two cups became a pot and a pot became three pots. He wouldn't sleep for two days. But he expected that anyways. Nightmares of the past would haunt him until everything blew over. Happened every time they were in the news, or a report got sent out. Sonny was not one to cross and now he was back on the radar because he worked with Mac and Stella. He didn't even work the case.

No, but he did help Mac. Maybe they wouldn't have found out if he wouldn't have helped him. But that would be another lie to add to his list. It would go up there with family sweeping his records, about how he was really associated to Tanglewood, and lying to Mac about that.

He felt guilty now. Guilty now, for the lying and the things he did for Boys. Guilt and anger with a mix of fear, the guilt for the Boys, anger because Sonny outted him and fear for his job. He stared at his coffee cup, and sighed. He remembered what his mother said, 'Caffeine makes things worse'. He looked at the cup in disgust. Maybe she got that right.

Though it was keeping him awake, and he liked the feeling, even though in 15 hours his ass would be dragging, most likely at a crime scene. Maybe he would be working alone, no, that would be bad, and he might miss something important. He'll work with Aiden. Always works, she doesn't ask that many questions. He looked at his wall clock and saw the time. 3:15 in the morning and he was still awake. He got up and got another cup of coffee.

He thought of just going down the work, turning in his resignation and leaving the state. He dropped that idea quickly; he loves New York and loves working with Mac, Stella and Aiden. Even Chad, though he seems to be either buzzed or high when he is working and flirting with Aiden wasn't very cute. He hated that kid sometimes.

But hate doesn't stay long when you fear for your job safety. He stared at the empty cup, deciding that three pots were enough to keep him alive for the next 24 hours. His mind began to wonder, as it did often, to his younger years. His father and himself getting beat up by a gypsy cab driver, joining the Tanglewood Boys, leaving the boys 4 years later when he got into college, not being about to play ball because of his wrist, and making the force and becoming a CSI which was starting to look like a mistake, he was the flaw on the good CSI record.

Flaw. He really hated that word. A flaw is an imperfection. He wasn't prefect, but he didn't want to be the one to put a blemish on the team's record, and thoughts of leaving, stepping away beckoned in his mind. He stopped that line of thinking. He didn't need to get any more depressed thinking about something he had no control over. He wasn't an inferior CSI, he was normal. He had his personal flaws. Maybe he took a case to hard sometimes, but in the end it was evened out. He wouldn't let that get to him.

He sat there and thought till he heard his alarm go off in his bedroom. He got up, put his coffee cup in the sink and went to get ready. Like it or not, he did have a job to do and if it meant him getting fired for his past. Let it happen.

But, the voice at the back of his head said that everything would be fine and nothing would happen. Anytime he listened to that voice, the shit would hit the fan. He liked listening to that voice.