She knew it would end. Before it even began she knew. She tried hard to stop it, not to fall. She was practical, reasonable, careful. She had to be. Not just because her mother had taught her these things, but because her job, her life, her very existence relied on it. Falling in love with this woman was not reasonable, not practical and definitely not safe. Sara. Sara Sidle was nothing she should want, nothing that was easy, or ordered. Although Sara tried. Everyday she watched Sara try not to fall, and it broke her heart every time. Sara was like a star, or black hole her very existence demanding that one day she would end, burned out, torn down. Sofia knew that, she knew it would end.
For a long time she didn't touch, didn't think, didn't let herself feel or admit. When Sara walked by she did not let herself think of the way Sara looked, the way her skin would feel. Would not let herself think of the way Sara would feel in her arms, did not let herself want to touch Sara's face, hair, lips. Did not let herself even admit she wanted anything to do with the other woman. That was a slippery slope and Sofia was determined not to fall. Yet everything ends and everything breaks and she can still remember the exact way Sara felt when she pushed her up against the locker and kissed her for the first time. The way Sara's hair smelled, the way Sofia's hands fit perfectly curling around the other's waist, the way Sara's body felt pulled tight against Sofia's. Sara didn't resist but didn't make any promises either only leaned into Sofia, her hands gripping hard on the taller woman's shoulders.
Something between them started or maybe ended then. Sofia tries not to think about it, not to think about the tightness in her chest that starts every time she sees Sara and Grissom together and only gets worse when later Sara finds her in the showers, or the locker room or even once the back seat of Sofia's car. The tightness that stays or even gets a little worse, when Sara's arms go around her waist, pulling her close and Sara's mouth leaves wet open kisses or biting marks along her neck and shoulders. She can't breathe when Sara's touching her, can't feel anything but Sara, doesn't want to let herself think. It feels like it goes on forever this way. With the waiting and watching during the nights with Sara's hands, mouth and lips during the moments in between. In truth, though, it doesn't take very long at all for it to end.
When the end comes, it comes slowly, happening in steps, like watching sand leak away throw Sofia's fingers. She doesn't know when it starts only knows when it ends.
When Sara's taken, Sofia knows terror, panic and a deep sadness that leeches into her bones and doesn't allow her to breath. When they find Sara, though, Sofia knows deep down it's over but doesn't let herself think it until much later. Afterwards when she tentatively almost shyly approaches Sara in the locker room only to have the other woman turn away from her, hands kept deep in pockets, eyes shielded, does Sofia admit it's over. Sara leaves soon after coming back and Sofia's not surprised because Sara was already gone long before she gets a taxi out of Las Vegas.
The first day after Sara leaves Sofia sees the darkness in Grissom's eyes and knows she's not the only one Sara's left alone this time. She thinks the knowledge should make her feel better but it doesn't it only make her feel empty, warn out and a little lost. She knows Grissom's waiting. Waiting for Sara to come back but she also knows, they both know, that's not going to happen. Because even if Sara does come back, physically back to the lab, to Las Vegas, she won't becoming back for them. It's over and Sofia's been waiting since the beginning for this moment, but she never realized that when it came it would hurt this much.