WWE Extreme, CSI Style: Feat. Mud Wrestling Lesbians by elwhis [ - ]
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Category: CSI - Bitextual
Characters: Catherine Willows, Gil Grissom, Greg Sanders, Nick Stokes, Other, Sara Sidle, Warrick Brown
Rating: PG-13
Genres: Humour
Warnings: None

Summary: Since Gil can't pick who he wants, they'll all have to do it for him.

"WWE Extreme, CSI Style! (Featuring Mud Wrestling Lesbians)"
by Elton "Elwhis" Fantabulous

Warnings: Mature themes, slight violence, language. Implied Grissom/Milander, Grissom/Catherine, Grissom/Everybody Else.

Disclaimer: CSI is mine. All least, it should be. But CBS won't listen.

ANNOUNCER ONE: It's time! This is what you're all waiting for, mud wrestling CSI lesbians! We're ringside the mud pit, waiting for our contenders to make their enterance.

ANNOUNCER TWO: That's right, Jim. And here they are now. In the first corner is Sara Sidle, a level 3 CSI. Today's she out to kill...and there's going to be bloodshed.

JIM: Bloodshed? *laughs* Then it's a good thing we've got the CSI clean up crew to take care of the lood spatter, Ken.

KEN: Blood spatter? Sounds like you've been watching CSI, Jim.

JIM: Right you are, Ken. We were going to have medics standing by, but there are so many coroners in the building we didn't really think there'd be any need.

KEN: Now, Jim, what title are our Grudge Match Extreme™ entrants fighting for today?

JIM: Well, Ken, I'm glad you asked. They're fighting for who actually gets to end up with Gil Grissom on the show.

KEN: Never heard of him, Jim.

JIM: I thought you watch CSI.

KEN: I do.

JIM: Right.

KEN: What can you tell us about our second contender?

JIM: All right, Ken, she's a--

PAUL MILANDER: I'm a man, dammit.

JIM: Sure. But anyway, he's a transgendered--

MILANDER: Transsexual.

JIM: Transexual serial killer--

MILANDER: I was never convicted.

JIM: Transexual fugitive from the law.

MILANDER: Thank y-you.

JIM: With a stutter.

MILANDER: Shut up.

KEN: So, what title are our combattants ekeing out for today?

JIM: I already told you, Ken.

KEN: Uh, Jim, no you didn't.

JIM: *sighs* Okay, whatever. They're fighting to see who gets to screw with Grissom on CSI.

KEN: Come on, there's no way he's going to end up with Sara.

JIM: Right.

KEN: So, Jim, are our lesbians ready to--

MILANDER: I'm a man.

SARA: I'm not a lesbian.

JIM: Look, we put lesbian in the title to sell more tickets.

MILANDER & SARA do not look amused.

JIM: Anyway, let's get ready to r--

KEN: Hey, who's that guy?

JIM: What?

KEN: The guy with the flash light and the case.

JIM: That's Grissom, Ken.

KEN: Right. I knew that.

JIM: Are you ready? Can I start the fight now, Ken?

KEN: Okay.

JIM: Okay then. Let's get ready to rumble! And it's Sidle starting us off with a mean right hook! But Milander's not going down that easy--

KEN: Heh heh. Going down.

JIM: -- and delivers a blow to Sidle's head in a classic Albino Pidgeon. That's going to hurt, Ken.

KEN: Right you are, Jim. They're fighting dirty now, Jim, down to the mat and getting in some wrenching hair pulling.

JIM: See, that the problem with lesbians, Ken.

KEN: There's no problem with lesbians, Jim.

JIM: They always fight dirty, Ken. Everytime we get lesbians in the ring--

SARA: We're not leasbians!

MILANDER: Well, I'm not.

JIM: Oh! Look at that! Sidle gets Milander in a head lock, and out and over to the mat. What a great Twisting Sanchez from Sidle.

KEN: I had a Rusty Sanchez once.

JIM: That's a Dirty Sanchez, Ken.

KEN: No, it's Rusty--that's when the guy's hands in the girl's--

JIM: Okay, Ken, and the fight continues with Milander edging in with a--Oh! What's this?

KEN: It seems we have another contender, Jim.

JIM: Entering the ring and taking a hearty swing at Milander is CSI Catherine Willows. I guess she's not happy about all those people he killed.

KEN: Well, matricide never goes over well with anyone, Jim.

JIM: Right you are, Ken, and--Oh, it's going now, Willows's pulled Sidle's legs right from under her.

KEN: Ooh. I felt that one, Jim.

JIM: Right you are, Ken.

KEN: Why do you always say that, Jim?

JIM: It's in the script.

KEN: We have a script?

JIM: Anyway, Willows is going down and dirty with Sidle, pulling hair and biting like it's Sunday, bloody Sunday.

KEN: Good song.

JIM: Ehn. I never liked it much.

KEN: Come on, Jim, it's classic U2.

JIM: *shrugs*

KEN: I mean, come on, *sings* "Sunday, bloody Sunday."

JIM: I've heard it Ken. I just never liked it.

KEN: It was classic Bono, Jim.

JIM: Wait! What's this? Milander's back in the fight! Kicks Sidle right in the back, and she's down. What an obscure manoeuvre.

KEN: That's a Calieco Shake, I believe.

JIM: No, no, it's an Oakland Tire Change.

KEN: No, Jim, it's a Calieco Shake. The Tire Change is when the hair is looped backwards and the attacker gets a kick to the nuts.

JIM: That's a Reverse Pantry Bun, Ken.

KEN: No, the Pantry Holds all involve arm twisting, Jim. That's why it's called a Pantry Hold.

JIM: What does that have to do with pantries? Besides, it's an Oakland Tire Change.

KEN: *gets out Manoeuvre Manual*

JIM: Heh heh. Manual.

KEN: Heh. What do you know? We were both wrong. It's a Palid Ostraciser.

JIM: You know, I always thought that was when the guy has the girl in a--

KEN: Oh! What's this? There's a new contender!

JIM: Right you are, Ken. It seems like there's someone else who wants a piece of the Grissom action.

KEN: Entering the ring is long time CSI Nick Stokes. Stokes starts us off with a classic Ugly Henry to Milander's temple.

JIM: I don't see how he can get any uglier, Ken.

KEN: I wouldn't make fun of a serial killer, Jim.

JIM: Right you are, Ken.

KEN: And Sidle gets in on the action, after taking down Willows again she's going after Stokes with a well played Magnolia Heist.

JIM: That was a great Heist. And Stokes comes back with a--

KEN: Oh! It's getting wild now, Jim! From out of nowhere CSI Warrick Brown enters the ring, flopping down on Stokes. Killer Penguin Skater, that.

JIM: It's out of control now, Ken.

KEN: I hope those coroners are nearby, Jim.

JIM: With Stokes down, Brown's going after Sidle with a Two Ton Watermelon Salad.

KEN: And Sidle comes back with a Spackled Miter Saw. Good play, Jim.

JIM: Right you are, Ken.

KEN: Milander's not down and out yet, coming back with a--

JIM: Heh heh. Down.

KEN: Heh heh. Out.

JIM: A good Triple Olive from Milander. A little clichéd for my tastes, Ken.

KEN: Right you are, Jim.

JIM: Stop stealing my lines.

KEN: Sorry, Jim. I don't see you name on them.

JIM: *points to script* Right there.

KEN: Right you are, Jim.

JIM: What?! I said not to steal my lines!

KEN: But it says it right there in the script. Right you are, Jim.

JIM: *checks it again* Heh. What do you know.

KEN: Sorry, Jim.

JIM: It's all right-- Dammit, it's getting thick! Coming in with Jersey Claws is Lab Rat turned CSI Greg Sanders.

KEN: Jersey Claws--wow, that's a tough one, Jim.

JIM: Right you are, Ken. Sanders takes down all of his opponents with the well executed Claws.

KEN: The fight's not over yet, Jim.

JIM: That's right, Ken. Sidle comes back with a Cleveland Grabber--

KEN: But Sanders doesn't have enough hair for that, Jim.

JIM: Very observant, Ken. Sanders takes down Sidle with a Terrier Chop.

KEN: Oh! In a surprise move, Milander and Willows work together to take down Sanders! And Stokes is back! He gets in a Terrible Twos on Willows, while Brown's up for the count and gets a Rabbit Stew on Milander! Sidle's working for the man and getting in a Pile Stacker for Stokes, knocking him flat! He's out and back in again, throwing Sidle in an impressive Double Trieme! Willows goes for Stokes, twisting in a Perry Knuckler! Oh, oh! The humanity! Jim?

JIM: It's getting crazy here at WWE Extreme today! Sanders forgoes the classic Claw and trades them in for a Party Platter, knocking Sidle flat. Stokes goes after Sidle with an unfortunately ineffective Noriega Melt. Milander's back in with a perfect Sophomore Trilogy on Brown.

KEN: And Sanders pulls a Pine Fresh Mu-tant on Sidle.

JIM: Great obscure reference, Ken.

KEN: Thank you Jim.

JIM: Wait! What's this? It seems the fight has stopped!

KEN: What? The round's not over and nobody's died. We were promised bloodshed, Jim.

JIM: That we were, Ken. It seems everyone has stopped and is looking over at Grissom, who seems to be kneeling gleefully by a chair with a peanut and a jar.

KEN: He does appear very gleeful, Jim.

JIM: That he does, Ken.

SARA: Hey! Gris! Do you mind!

CATHERINE: Yeah, we're kind of fighting over you here.

WARRICK: I mean, buddy, if you're not going to pick which one of us you actually want, we have to decide for you.

NICK: They said we could show up and fight and decide once and for all.

MILANDER: I thought you l-liked me.

SARA: Shut up. No one likes you.

MILANDER: What day were you born on?

GREG: Come on, Gris, pay attention!

CATHERINE: What's so important that you'd not watch people fighting over you?

GRISSOM: *walks over to the ring, smiling brightly, with a jar* An Aphid Beetle. Do you know how rare it is to find one of these at a wrestling match. Wow. *looks at the jar* Hello, little guy. *makes cooing noises*


JIM: Well, it seems the fight is over, Ken.

KEN: Right you are, Jim.

JIM: *glares*

EVERYONE starts leaving.

JIM: Well, this has been the fight as to who gets Gil Grissom. All of our contenders don't seem interested any more--

ECKLIE: *wearing wrestling tights* Have they started the fight yet?

GRISSOM: *shudders*

~~~ fin ~~~